wellington to singapore...

arriving home was a surreal experience
this feeling of 'wow nothing has changed' and 'oh my god i feel so out of place'
seeing people on the street 'oh my god chantelle where have you been?'
israel
'oh my god, israel, that must have been intense'
well yes, but not in the way your probably thinking....
wanting to put my roots down, really upack my bag and settle in to life back home, but knew, in less than three weeks im off again, onto the big unknown....China.....shanghai....
i had moments of just wanting to cling, any job any oppurtunity that would keep me in wellington....but i made that choice and i have to stick to it...its exciting and nerve wracking, starting up life again in a new place...finding friends, apartments, those areas you feel you belong in....
that whole idea of belonging somewhere is becoming more and more foreign after being away for so long (not that long....18months but still..)...even at home i felt i didnt belong in the way i felt there before, its sorta like your identity as you knew it acts like putty, and adapts and moulds to where you put it, and when your in this transition phase, which i am currently sitting in, between worlds, between places, between lives....you start to feel kinda....how do i put it....identity-less....

had an incredible experience back home, we had a musical fireside the second saturday i was back at my house, and dad whose not a baha'i brought along his new tenant who had shown an interest in the faith when she saw the newspaper article in his office with my massive face on it
saying 'baha'i baby
'are you a bahai?'
'no my daughter is, she just got back from israel, she can tell you all about it'
so we organised this event, with her in mind, going through ana's presentation with songs dispersed throughout and two video's, and slide show with quotes on....
it was AMAZING, we had three interested people come, and my dad sat through it (was falling asleep towards the end...haha) and then we all naturally paired off afterwards and went through in more detail what we had covered using the flipcharts....for a bout 45mintues we did that one on one type deepening and the room was alive ...mum handed out dessert and we continued, then the lady dad brought came to me and said 'I just told chelsea and I would like to tell you that I would like to formally become a Baha'i'
stunned look on chantelle's face....
'wow...yes oh my gosh...thats great'
of course we have no declaration cards....haha not as prepared as we thought we were!'
but yeah...she just instantly recognised Baha'u'llah in those 2 hours...
She is from India, had been living in nz for two years, and told me a great story, at the age of 13 she gave all her week's worth of pocket money to a man standing on the corner in new dehli trying to raise money for the building of the 'new baha'i temple'. from that moment on she was intrigued by this faith...and then as a 32 year old living in nz....she finally finds out more deeply about it and declares...
what a gift
i sat and talked with her at her place quite a few times during my three weeks at home, it was like meeting my sister in a way...we just got each other!! very exciting stuff...and hopefully a taste of whats to come in China....heheeeeee
ok very hot right now
i am in sweaty singapore now visitng my brother danny, his wife anna and their beautiful beautiful son harley just one year old...
ohh the bliss of babies...

The Spot

Sydney.

Welcome back to the world. Fresh, cold air, and a gorgeous two and a half year old neice Lucy. The perfect thing to come from Haifa to. I am so happy to be aunty chanty again! She is adorable, and so is the new born Sam, who we all keep calling ben (thats the name of Lucy's baby doll, its quite hilarious!).

It's all happening as we shifed house to ‘the big old castle’ as lucy calls it, in the Spot, Randwick.

Speaking of the Spot, each night I sing to her 'Blessed is the spot' with the book mum got for her from the Sydney Temple a year or so ago. As its just me and ma that are Baha'i's in my family I am cranking all I can of spiritual goodness on my 5 days with her!
she says after I close the book, ‘the spot the spot, again again’ she looks at me with these innocent, angel like eyes, so pure , so happy so excited. I can't get over how receptive she is, she quietens down, looks at me so attentively, 2 and a half years old, and asks pretty big questions afterwards. I read to her 'O God Educate these children..' At the end she asks 'What's Reality?' 'ummmm well it has several layers of meaning..' I begin to say thinking about the phrase 'let the sun of Reality shine upon us'...she looks at me confused....' I think it refers to Baha'u'llah and our spiritual reality. Lucy, Can you say Baha'u'llah?'
'No'

so straight up. oh well. at least i tried!

I had my first real ohhh moment with her when she said, totally of her own accord ‘aunty chanty is my friend…and I love her’ whilst playing with her and her dolls house, reminding me of myself at her age, its so funny, here we are packing our stuff into this new house, and there she is with her new dolls house, putting the furniture inside too. She has a baby doll too that she prefers more than Sam, she even tries to breast feed him, it was the funniest moment. She had one hand trying to pull down her top, and the other trying to stuff the plastic baby ben to 'get his milk'. haha

It is kinda funny to come from all things Bahai to my own family where religion doesn’t really come up in conversation, unless it’s a joke or side comment 'sure you don't want a glass of wine?' my brother teases me.

I have this battle inside that is like ‘ah cant I just whack out ana’s presentation, cant we talk about spiritual things, why is it so difficult? My own family yet I feel like we hardly know each other deeply.’ Maybe I just have to accept that it is what it is, and there is a time and place for listening and receiving. Perhaps I just have to let go of what I want, and realise that God has a different plan. Cant help but feel responsible at times, especially for the spiritual development of children. There is a part of me that wants to live in Sydney, to make sure I take her to childrens classes, to help her go to BESS at school, to take her to the temple but China is calling...

Still hasn’t hit me... I have left the World Centre. The only reminder is when I pray I physically struggle to find the right direction to face. Where is north west? Before I could just stare out my window and it was straight ahead, past the grain factory overlooking the bay of Haifa. Now I have to really think and focus. It kinda sums it up really!

I was thinking last time I said my long obligatory was in the Shrine of Baha’u’llah, the room with the windows, with the big pink carpet, so direct, so ‘there’ in the presence, and here I am doing it on the kitchen floor downstairs of the big ol castle in randwick, Australia, searching for the direction, for the connection, for that place that was so present in my physical and spiritual life for the last 18 months. But the feeling doesn’t change. I still feel like I have the shrines etched in my heart. Nothing will ever take that away. Time place distance. Its like this throbbing, this warmth, this longing, this calmness, this rose smell, this peace, this assurance, reminds me of the lines to a prayer I love

‘that my heart my be assured, my feet set firm, and my soul enlightened’

That is something I will continue to work on for the rest of my life

Setting my feet firm

Being as unwavering as I can

I do feel made a new.

I don’t have any regrets

Perhaps not reading and studying enough

But I can always, and will do that

I am excited about China

Nervous

It feels ages away and that I have much to go through before that point

It’s a good thing coming to sydeny before home. It's like little steps of adjustment. even in the weather...

And having new born baby in my arms...makes me remember the precious things of being a
human, it's sorta like a hint that yes, the Shrines and the Holy Land are extremely special and important , but Chantelle, you have other gifts in store. And how family is just the most precious thing to have.

I am so thankful for this.
Thankful to have such a wonderful, healthy, happy family...and I hope by living at 'the Spot' Lucy will remember that prayer. hehe