yes. i am now, officially 'miss brader'. i taught my first ever class today. 7year old students from singapore, korea, india, taiwan, and china all in my drama class.
the straight forward responses crack me up
'miss, you a quite beautiful'
wow. thank you. thats very nice of you.
the two girls smile.
i may have trained as an actor, but nothing had prepared me for this.
i had that stereotype in my mind that all kids from asian backgrounds are uber well behaved, and i am sure the majority of them are, but perhaps as i am the newbie, it was time for them to test the ground.
'so, lets break into groups and create freeze statues of different qualities, like respect, helpfulness, co-operation...all the guidelines we talked about for what makes our drama class work well.'
blank stares.
ok, i have never been that clear in communicating but really...
'ok so you can stand up and pratise your freeze frames. you have five minutes to create it and then show the class
blank stares. bums on the floor.
'but i dont want to'
'i dont know how to'
'i dont know what a quality is'
'we dont want to'
'do we have to'
i didnt factor that into my lesson plan....
'umm well, i'm the teacher, and im telling you what to do. remember, qualities are the behaviours and actions that we spoke about at the beginning of the class that help set the standard.' starting to loose it inside...
they continue to sit on the floor, some rolling around and chatting, others bored out of their brains....
ok you have three minutes left...
and then two and one and
well, one group had got its act together (pun not intended) and showed a cute freeze frame of helpfulness (a beggar and lots of people giving him money...hmmmmm i didnt want to dig too deep into that social question...haha)
and yes. the others did what they could.
i felt like the crappest drama teacher in the world. i couldnt even motivate a group of 7 year olds.
but then i let it go. have to be clearer, and simpler, its all good life skills....
then my second class, 8 year olds, and much more onto it, picking up games quickly, quieting each other without me...i was in heaven...
a day of massive contrasts.
overwhelming, nerve wracking and satisfying.
i still cant quite believe i am a teacher, even if it is drama and that is what i know, its not really about the drama, for now its about how to manage a class of kids!!!
small steps.
back from macau. an incredible 5 days of reflection, planning, and very soon....action....
please apartment, come to me...wanting to settle in for real, start up my devotions, and jy groups and study circles...oh yeah..and learn how to be a drama teacher.....
one step at a time
i keep telling myself.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
fog and fever
i have been in shanghai nearly three weeks now.
someone told me the first month is the hardest. the level of adjustment, the pace of life, the pollution, the cultural differences, where my place is within all of this....
i think thats what i am experiencing
and i have a 37.9 degree fever which doesnt help.
my immune system is down because i'm stressed. amazing how our body reads and reflects our thoughts...
the flat hunting has been a nightmare in all honesty. i have seen around 30 places, and found one brilliant place exactly what i was looking for (apart from being a bit too expensive) but it fell through because of a dodgy real estate agent, using a lot of the old guilt tricks in getting me to sign up for a longer lease and paying more...i wasn't expecting to hit the 'i've had enough' feeling so soon. but its lingering. i think its because i feel in limbo. and the way you can get treated by some agents is pretty ruthless. its all about money. i didnt realise it would be so full on like that but they wheel and deal with you when it comes to signing a lease. its all about negotiating over here and you never know if you are getting the right price or totally being ripped off...
i guess im shedding skin in a way.
the gentle, timid at times, indecisive and sometimes unsure chantelle doesnt work over . i have to let her go. perhaps thats also what im mourning.
i dont have a nest yet to get my activities, my ruhi, my devotions kicking, im staying with the new teachers from my international school out at sun island resort which is two hours out of shanghai, i feel cut off, like i'm wasting time, and that my energy is dropping...
probably being bit too harsh on myself, but i had it in my mind that i would have found a place by now, im here to serve the Faith and yet I feel stuck. perhaps its just part of the welcome package to pioneering! detachment. trust.
tests are good for us, we know that. but its funny, cos when you are inside one of them, it does feel a bit like a vortex, a bit black and endless and hard to see the end or the point, and you just want to give up...
gotta prayer more, that's what will show me the way forward. right now, i feel like i am going in circles.
started week one of being a drama specialist teacher. so wierd. i dont feel like a teacher. i never have been a teacher. never trained as one. just an actor from toi...haha and here i am all of a sudden i have a desk, a drama studio, and next week, classes of 6,7,8,9 year olds to teach....part of a singaporean school system which is rigid and very academic, and i dont know whether to sink or swim...
i go to macau tomorrow for the bahai pioneering conference. that will help put things into perspective. it has been getting a bit foggy the last few weeks.
did have the most beautiful roof top devotions the other night. some chinese study circle participants came along, and we sang God is sufficient unto me, in mandarin, I pretended to know what i was doing...haha
then one of the girls turned to me afterwards, the full moon beaming down onto the red tile rooftops next to us "when you sang, I really felt it in my heart"
i nearly burst into tears. they are such beautiful souls!
someone told me the first month is the hardest. the level of adjustment, the pace of life, the pollution, the cultural differences, where my place is within all of this....
i think thats what i am experiencing
and i have a 37.9 degree fever which doesnt help.
my immune system is down because i'm stressed. amazing how our body reads and reflects our thoughts...
the flat hunting has been a nightmare in all honesty. i have seen around 30 places, and found one brilliant place exactly what i was looking for (apart from being a bit too expensive) but it fell through because of a dodgy real estate agent, using a lot of the old guilt tricks in getting me to sign up for a longer lease and paying more...i wasn't expecting to hit the 'i've had enough' feeling so soon. but its lingering. i think its because i feel in limbo. and the way you can get treated by some agents is pretty ruthless. its all about money. i didnt realise it would be so full on like that but they wheel and deal with you when it comes to signing a lease. its all about negotiating over here and you never know if you are getting the right price or totally being ripped off...
i guess im shedding skin in a way.
the gentle, timid at times, indecisive and sometimes unsure chantelle doesnt work over . i have to let her go. perhaps thats also what im mourning.
i dont have a nest yet to get my activities, my ruhi, my devotions kicking, im staying with the new teachers from my international school out at sun island resort which is two hours out of shanghai, i feel cut off, like i'm wasting time, and that my energy is dropping...
probably being bit too harsh on myself, but i had it in my mind that i would have found a place by now, im here to serve the Faith and yet I feel stuck. perhaps its just part of the welcome package to pioneering! detachment. trust.
tests are good for us, we know that. but its funny, cos when you are inside one of them, it does feel a bit like a vortex, a bit black and endless and hard to see the end or the point, and you just want to give up...
gotta prayer more, that's what will show me the way forward. right now, i feel like i am going in circles.
started week one of being a drama specialist teacher. so wierd. i dont feel like a teacher. i never have been a teacher. never trained as one. just an actor from toi...haha and here i am all of a sudden i have a desk, a drama studio, and next week, classes of 6,7,8,9 year olds to teach....part of a singaporean school system which is rigid and very academic, and i dont know whether to sink or swim...
i go to macau tomorrow for the bahai pioneering conference. that will help put things into perspective. it has been getting a bit foggy the last few weeks.
did have the most beautiful roof top devotions the other night. some chinese study circle participants came along, and we sang God is sufficient unto me, in mandarin, I pretended to know what i was doing...haha
then one of the girls turned to me afterwards, the full moon beaming down onto the red tile rooftops next to us "when you sang, I really felt it in my heart"
i nearly burst into tears. they are such beautiful souls!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
shanghaied chantelle
well. where to begin. so much has happend since i landed on monday straight into the urban jungle that is Shanghai. i didnt expect it to be this crazy. in fact i dont know what i was expecting. i basically was taking a mad plunge into the dark by coming here, but its fight or flight time, really. the first thing that struck me was my utter lack of communication skills. i am deaf, blind, and mute here, and people don't really speak that much english, even if it was a big city. in my head i had it that it would be a lot easier to communicate, but i had NO idea. even asking for gum at the airport was impossible, it just struck me how absolutely un prepared i am for this in terms of language...lesson number one.
and then the taxi ride.
i thought israel was bad in terms of driving but here, its something else. lanes, red lights, doesnt mean anything, people EVERYWHERE on bikes, peddling a massive mound of rubbish, or building goods, or children clinging onto their mothers as they scooter pass...amazing sites. the skyscapers being built everywhere you look. construction sites. dirt. cranes. people. bikes. horns beeping. but in this chaos there is this happiness. a contentment. deep in the eyes of the people. its a peaceful chaos. going from cosy wellington where your sense of personal space is so vast, to a sea of black heads in the peoples square metro of shanghai, wow, i am totally out of my comfort zone. but thats great. i didnt come here for the lifestyle, thats for sure, i came here because i believe Baha'u'llah guided me here. and i have to keep reminding myself of that each day. under my breath, in the subway, 'allah'u'abha', being pushed like sardines in a can, being stared at on the streets by old men in their pj's, looking for apartments and finding that either i share the kitchen and bathroom with the entire building, or the kitchen and bathtub are in the same room, or there is no front door on the third level...i am looking at lane houses.
these are the typical shanghainese style 1930's brick buildings, typically three stories high, a family per storey. washing out your window....its incredible the difference in culture. in the west the kitchen is so much the center of the house. here, its outside the house, in the hallway, and typically no fridge, just a stove top and a wok, and no oven either, or in one place i saw they put a shower cubicle around it in the living room so the smell wouldn't go into the rest of the house, so interesting.
i guess here the locals will buy their food on the day and cook it then and there, no place for midnight snacks out of the fridge like we have back home... hehe. of course this is taking it to an extreme and there are a lot of apartments and brand new places that are just like the apartments back home, but since arriving here i have been fascinated by the local culture, how they live, the history, the untold suffering they have been through, and really the lane house culture of shanghai epitomises that. its pretty filthy though. some of the flats i have seen i cannot believe the landlord is standing in front of me with a smile on his face, with a toilet and bath thats green with grime...'ahh auckland...nz...beautiful..paradise' one landlord said to me, i wanted to burst into tears in that moment as i thought about it...yes, yes it really is, compared to this.... but deep breathe in (well not too deep cos it stinks!!)
i love the lanehouses though, despite the dirt...they still retain that community feel that gets lost in the skyscraper urban mess thats taking over the rest of shanghai...but i dont know if i want to share my kitchen or my bathroom with a whole neighbourhood...is that too 'western' of me? its hard to know your limits sometimes...what is just cultural habit, what you can adapt to, what you can't...for now its my own bathroom, kitchen, and a front door.....how very western of me....oh well....little steps.....
basically the only taste of the real china you get here in shanghai is strolling through the old lanes. otherwise its modern sky-scraper city...and perhaps i may choose to live in one of those even though i despise them...they look like giant size reminders of the west and its commercialism now reaching for the sky because the earth is not enough....
anyway enough venting!!
its been a real lesson even at day 5, in learning to let go. i mean, we already know we have no control of things. we read that in the writings each day. but there is this sense of orderliness and structure that i guess you just expect and that gives rise to a sense of control...even if its not real...but here you REALLY sense that chaos that comes out of control or lack of or whatever it is.....
although in saying that there is this huge control of people, even in the subway, the guard blows his whistle to move the hundreds of people down to the next landing to get onboard the metro and people do as they are told straight away, no sniggers, no side remarks, you wouldnt get that in london people would get lippy...but anyway....back to my other thought.. each day that i have been here i learn to let go just a little bit more. because here, so far i have noticed and been told, nothing works out the way you want it. thats pretty common through-out life i guess. but here, its on a different level...a friend described china as an 'enigma', its so complex. it is a mystery. it really is. layers upon layers of complexity, of cultural habits that i have absolutely no clue about. but its all learning. and i cannot judge them according to my 'western' standards because non is better than the other. its a different value system. and i am here to learn as much as i can from their culture and not try to force mine at all.
even little things, i had no idea about, like receiving a business card with two hands, otherwise its offensive, its the details within the details....
i do feel like a fish out of water. but its good. when i read my prayers and readings they take on a whole new layer of meaning 'clinging to the cord..' yep. i really am clinging. there is nothing else to hold on to. 'homeless wanderer' yep. certainly am that.
homelessness. Abdul-Baha talks about how homelessness as a blessing..
"O ye homeless wanderers in the Path of God! Prosperity, contentment, and freedom, however much desired and conducive to the gladness of the human heart, can in no wise compare with the trials of homelessness and adversity in the pathway of God; for such exile and banishment are blessed by the divine favour, and are surely followed by the mercy of Providence. The joy of tranquility in one's home, and the sweetness of freedom from all cares shall pass away, whilst the blessing of homelessness shall endure forever, and its far-reaching results shall be made manifest.' -
Abdul-Baha, SWA, p. 280.
not to say that what i am going through is utter exile and banishment. but in someways it does feel like it. that loneliness that accompanies not having anything familiar near you, not knowing what people are saying, or what the sign says, or just having a close friend near by to chat to, that kinda loneliness sweeps in from time to time.
but deep down i am happy. because i feel tested. i feel like by being here in Shanghai my capacity is being tested. after the utter tranquility and peace of guiding at the Holy Shrines for 18months to the noisy jungle of one of the world's biggest cities bursting onto the global scene....its quite the change. but this is what i prayed for...so i have to trust. let go of expectations...and have faith. that is the ultimate test
it is a great time to be in China. watching the opening ceremony last night with some locals, cheering so loud, so proud of this moment, China, finally, arms wide open to the World, leading the way, opening its gates...
one world, one dream....
hehe, how much more Baha'i could you get???
and then the taxi ride.
i thought israel was bad in terms of driving but here, its something else. lanes, red lights, doesnt mean anything, people EVERYWHERE on bikes, peddling a massive mound of rubbish, or building goods, or children clinging onto their mothers as they scooter pass...amazing sites. the skyscapers being built everywhere you look. construction sites. dirt. cranes. people. bikes. horns beeping. but in this chaos there is this happiness. a contentment. deep in the eyes of the people. its a peaceful chaos. going from cosy wellington where your sense of personal space is so vast, to a sea of black heads in the peoples square metro of shanghai, wow, i am totally out of my comfort zone. but thats great. i didnt come here for the lifestyle, thats for sure, i came here because i believe Baha'u'llah guided me here. and i have to keep reminding myself of that each day. under my breath, in the subway, 'allah'u'abha', being pushed like sardines in a can, being stared at on the streets by old men in their pj's, looking for apartments and finding that either i share the kitchen and bathroom with the entire building, or the kitchen and bathtub are in the same room, or there is no front door on the third level...i am looking at lane houses.
these are the typical shanghainese style 1930's brick buildings, typically three stories high, a family per storey. washing out your window....its incredible the difference in culture. in the west the kitchen is so much the center of the house. here, its outside the house, in the hallway, and typically no fridge, just a stove top and a wok, and no oven either, or in one place i saw they put a shower cubicle around it in the living room so the smell wouldn't go into the rest of the house, so interesting.
i guess here the locals will buy their food on the day and cook it then and there, no place for midnight snacks out of the fridge like we have back home... hehe. of course this is taking it to an extreme and there are a lot of apartments and brand new places that are just like the apartments back home, but since arriving here i have been fascinated by the local culture, how they live, the history, the untold suffering they have been through, and really the lane house culture of shanghai epitomises that. its pretty filthy though. some of the flats i have seen i cannot believe the landlord is standing in front of me with a smile on his face, with a toilet and bath thats green with grime...'ahh auckland...nz...beautiful..paradise' one landlord said to me, i wanted to burst into tears in that moment as i thought about it...yes, yes it really is, compared to this.... but deep breathe in (well not too deep cos it stinks!!)
i love the lanehouses though, despite the dirt...they still retain that community feel that gets lost in the skyscraper urban mess thats taking over the rest of shanghai...but i dont know if i want to share my kitchen or my bathroom with a whole neighbourhood...is that too 'western' of me? its hard to know your limits sometimes...what is just cultural habit, what you can adapt to, what you can't...for now its my own bathroom, kitchen, and a front door.....how very western of me....oh well....little steps.....
basically the only taste of the real china you get here in shanghai is strolling through the old lanes. otherwise its modern sky-scraper city...and perhaps i may choose to live in one of those even though i despise them...they look like giant size reminders of the west and its commercialism now reaching for the sky because the earth is not enough....
anyway enough venting!!
its been a real lesson even at day 5, in learning to let go. i mean, we already know we have no control of things. we read that in the writings each day. but there is this sense of orderliness and structure that i guess you just expect and that gives rise to a sense of control...even if its not real...but here you REALLY sense that chaos that comes out of control or lack of or whatever it is.....
although in saying that there is this huge control of people, even in the subway, the guard blows his whistle to move the hundreds of people down to the next landing to get onboard the metro and people do as they are told straight away, no sniggers, no side remarks, you wouldnt get that in london people would get lippy...but anyway....back to my other thought.. each day that i have been here i learn to let go just a little bit more. because here, so far i have noticed and been told, nothing works out the way you want it. thats pretty common through-out life i guess. but here, its on a different level...a friend described china as an 'enigma', its so complex. it is a mystery. it really is. layers upon layers of complexity, of cultural habits that i have absolutely no clue about. but its all learning. and i cannot judge them according to my 'western' standards because non is better than the other. its a different value system. and i am here to learn as much as i can from their culture and not try to force mine at all.
even little things, i had no idea about, like receiving a business card with two hands, otherwise its offensive, its the details within the details....
i do feel like a fish out of water. but its good. when i read my prayers and readings they take on a whole new layer of meaning 'clinging to the cord..' yep. i really am clinging. there is nothing else to hold on to. 'homeless wanderer' yep. certainly am that.
homelessness. Abdul-Baha talks about how homelessness as a blessing..
"O ye homeless wanderers in the Path of God! Prosperity, contentment, and freedom, however much desired and conducive to the gladness of the human heart, can in no wise compare with the trials of homelessness and adversity in the pathway of God; for such exile and banishment are blessed by the divine favour, and are surely followed by the mercy of Providence. The joy of tranquility in one's home, and the sweetness of freedom from all cares shall pass away, whilst the blessing of homelessness shall endure forever, and its far-reaching results shall be made manifest.' -
Abdul-Baha, SWA, p. 280.
not to say that what i am going through is utter exile and banishment. but in someways it does feel like it. that loneliness that accompanies not having anything familiar near you, not knowing what people are saying, or what the sign says, or just having a close friend near by to chat to, that kinda loneliness sweeps in from time to time.
but deep down i am happy. because i feel tested. i feel like by being here in Shanghai my capacity is being tested. after the utter tranquility and peace of guiding at the Holy Shrines for 18months to the noisy jungle of one of the world's biggest cities bursting onto the global scene....its quite the change. but this is what i prayed for...so i have to trust. let go of expectations...and have faith. that is the ultimate test
it is a great time to be in China. watching the opening ceremony last night with some locals, cheering so loud, so proud of this moment, China, finally, arms wide open to the World, leading the way, opening its gates...
one world, one dream....
hehe, how much more Baha'i could you get???
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