fog and fever

i have been in shanghai nearly three weeks now.
someone told me the first month is the hardest. the level of adjustment, the pace of life, the pollution, the cultural differences, where my place is within all of this....
i think thats what i am experiencing
and i have a 37.9 degree fever which doesnt help.
my immune system is down because i'm stressed. amazing how our body reads and reflects our thoughts...
the flat hunting has been a nightmare in all honesty. i have seen around 30 places, and found one brilliant place exactly what i was looking for (apart from being a bit too expensive) but it fell through because of a dodgy real estate agent, using a lot of the old guilt tricks in getting me to sign up for a longer lease and paying more...i wasn't expecting to hit the 'i've had enough' feeling so soon. but its lingering. i think its because i feel in limbo. and the way you can get treated by some agents is pretty ruthless. its all about money. i didnt realise it would be so full on like that but they wheel and deal with you when it comes to signing a lease. its all about negotiating over here and you never know if you are getting the right price or totally being ripped off...
i guess im shedding skin in a way.
the gentle, timid at times, indecisive and sometimes unsure chantelle doesnt work over . i have to let her go. perhaps thats also what im mourning.

i dont have a nest yet to get my activities, my ruhi, my devotions kicking, im staying with the new teachers from my international school out at sun island resort which is two hours out of shanghai, i feel cut off, like i'm wasting time, and that my energy is dropping...
probably being bit too harsh on myself, but i had it in my mind that i would have found a place by now, im here to serve the Faith and yet I feel stuck. perhaps its just part of the welcome package to pioneering! detachment. trust.
tests are good for us, we know that. but its funny, cos when you are inside one of them, it does feel a bit like a vortex, a bit black and endless and hard to see the end or the point, and you just want to give up...
gotta prayer more, that's what will show me the way forward. right now, i feel like i am going in circles.
started week one of being a drama specialist teacher. so wierd. i dont feel like a teacher. i never have been a teacher. never trained as one. just an actor from toi...haha and here i am all of a sudden i have a desk, a drama studio, and next week, classes of 6,7,8,9 year olds to teach....part of a singaporean school system which is rigid and very academic, and i dont know whether to sink or swim...
i go to macau tomorrow for the bahai pioneering conference. that will help put things into perspective. it has been getting a bit foggy the last few weeks.
did have the most beautiful roof top devotions the other night. some chinese study circle participants came along, and we sang God is sufficient unto me, in mandarin, I pretended to know what i was doing...haha
then one of the girls turned to me afterwards, the full moon beaming down onto the red tile rooftops next to us "when you sang, I really felt it in my heart"
i nearly burst into tears. they are such beautiful souls!