blue eyes and big mouth

today i had the strangest experience...
'look at her eyes. look into her eyes!!' my class of 8 year olds whispered excitedly to each other as i went to gather them for drama class.
'look. can you see them?'
more whispers to each other...
' look! you can see spirits. you can see ghosts.'
they all crowded around. some gasped and ran to the back of the line giggly with excitement
'it's true! people with blue eyes can see things we cannot see.'

hmmmmmm its funny...i've experienced reverse racism in someways living in china being a 'whitey'. this is a massive generalisation of course, but you tend to get treated as if you are a 'god', and also that you copious amounts of money... ha.

i'm still trying to figure out what my question is, so excuse my rambling... i guess its to do with what creates this elitism that you see in the ex-pat communities around the world? or especially in the 'white communities' living in other cultures, where does the 'i'm better than you' attitude come from, does it even exist or is it just a creation of others perceptions - who see you as having more therefore being better.
i hate using the term 'others' and 'whiteys' so excuse my lingo...just trying to get out whats going on in my head...Can we break out of these stereotypes others have of us or that perhaps we have of ourselves?
Of course we like to stick to what we know, what we are familiar with, our own culture, habits blahblahblah. but how much of this becomes a cause of disunity when you are living in another culture? what cultural habits do you have to give up in order to embrace another's culture? What will a global society look like? What does unity of humanity actually mean? what will it look like? what will it feel like?

i guess it boils down to how you view yourself in a global society...and how we can build bridges...there still seems to be a lot of walls, even now in 2008.... what is my intention in my interactions, what is my purpose, questioning always...am I a builder or a re-inforcer? how open minded am i?
had an experience last night where i felt like for a moment i was forcing my ideas to someone from another culture, perhaps being in deed that elitist i dispise so much... and they were not at all happy..it was a good lesson for me to learn...here i was all full of energy with my ana's flipchart, thinking it would make a good conversation starter.
he saw the first page and freaked out, grabbed the chart from me, flicked through it and started to sweat
i could feel the air getting tense,
'you came here to talk about this? you made a decision already about what we will talk about before we have even met?'
'ummm...'
i tried to explain that it was just an option, and its something i am very passionated about but if we dont want to we dont have to talk about it... so after a flip through 'Manifestation of God?' 'Baha'u'llah' 'This is too complex. I am a simple person. I have my own faith. I believe in freedom. In myself. I want a simple conversation.'

I said, so am I! that this Faith is simple. but there was no ear to hear...together we were building walls not bridges...
I could feel the tension between us rising even more, I was getting upset because i felt blocked and not listened to, and he was upset because he felt pressured and also not listened to... so i put away the flipchart, stopped talking about faith or religion, and asked what he liked in the world. He watches Braveheart. He identifies with William Wallace, fighting for freedom, for justice. He goes against the grain, he questions everything, the way things are run in his country, he feels alone in that sense, because its a hard thing to do, to speak up when you do not agree with the powers that be, and i listened. after a while i saw before me, the Chinese William Wallace...wanting the best for his people. it made me smile.
i gave up what i had on my agenda, what i wanted to achieve, and tried to let go.
to just listen,
without any judgement.
even towards my own self and my behaviour.
to just truly listen without any expectations of how i wanted the conversation to go.

it was a great lesson
listen listen listen

update

Where to begin? Yet another chapter in the crazy travels of Miss Brader.

Time exists differently here. Two months feels more like two years.

So much happens in one day, Shanghai is an exhausting place at times.

It’s a fast paced city but tinged with this incredible taste of village life.

I bought a bike the other day. A beautiful ‘vintage’ 1950’s style, complete with old round handle bars, the breaks underneath the bars, a bell, and a basket for my veges from the local market. I am trying to live like a local…hehe. Everyone has bikes here, biking to my shuttle bus in the mornings I am amongst a sea of black hair. Of course I used to get a l stares being the only blonde (but now im a full on brunette courtesy of mis communication at the hairdressers...ahhhh long story). You see a whole family packed on the back of a bike, or a man riding beside me with his cart full of cardboard about 7 feet tall, and right next to us is the ‘Gucci’ store and three starbuck café’s in one street.

Shanghai is full of contradictions. Just like the picture above. This is from an ancient water village just outside the city, and yet there is still illy coffee when you are sailing past on an old boat.

This is just around the corner of my flat. Barbie are about to open a huge store in Shanghai, catering for girls parties, makeovers you name it, with the motto ‘We believe in Girl’s Dreams’. I bite my tongue.

It is scary how the west and our materialism is taking over so rapidly here in Shanghai especially. The white, blonde, blue eyed Barbie represents in someways the epitome of the ideal women over here…whitening cream to be found on every shelf at the chemist. Strange this obsession with skin colour still.When we will the world see past such superficiality?

Poverty and filthy rich wealth smack bang next to each other, like any big city I guess. Here the difference seems to be that the rich and the poor seem to co-exist in a much more peaceful way than in other cities. There is not such a dramatic segregation between the rich and poor, at least from the outside eye I hold. In one apartment building you can have a family of five sharing one room, and next door a massive five bedroom flat complete with three bathrooms, a sauna, and massive deck.

I live in a one bedroom lane house, it’s a typical shanghainese area, washing hanging outside the windows, kids playing in the carts, shanghainese lady’s washing their dogs in the basin outside outside my front door, men walking around in their pj’s at all times of the day and night, neighbours brushing their teeth in cups outside their house, most people have communal bathrooms and some kitchens are in the lane on a outside stove. Mine is not, I live in the fancy brand new apartment, I guess I am one of those ‘rich people’ (well my school pays for it!! Hehe) amongst the poor but I love to just imagine living like that, and its only a paper thin wall way. It’s a noisy neighbourhood, its sorta rough in a magical kinda way. I am the only foreigner living in the neighbourhood so I’m quite a novelty. The children run up and practise their English with me…its gorgeous ‘HELLO!!! NICE TO MEET YOU! GOOD BYE” those are the three current favourites.

As for my job, I am on a steep learning curve on how to be a teacher. Teaching drama to 5 to 8 year olds whose English is not the best, is no easy task but I am getting there slowly…sometimes I catch myself treating them like professional actors from drama school then it clicks, oh that’s right, she’s 5. hehe. For some amazing reason the school has placed character building education onto my lap, so my drama classes have a value focus. Each month a class performs a skit on a particular value, this Friday its ‘compassion – we’re doing a rap about new kids at school and everyone acting cool. It’s very cute. The kids are adorable. They are so sincere. “You are quite pretty” haha. “You have big eyes.” “What are they?” pointing to the moles on my arms. The 5 year olds spend most of their time climbing all over me, I try to teach with seven of them as extensions of my arms and legs for the first five minutes of class.

Sometimes I feel like the worse teacher in the world, I raise my voice when I shouldn’t, and over complicate them with words, the paranoia you have with any new job, then I have amazing moments like today on the bus, one five year old randomly sang at the top of his voice as I stepped onboard, “Miss Brader, responsibility, responsibility! You taught me that.’ Wow!

And most importantly…finding incredible receptivity too! So many stories to share. One that I love the most is when I was at the print shop. For four hours. No kidding. This is one of the things you have to get used to about china, things work out but not necessarily in the way you imagined they would!! So here I am at the guillotine at the print store cutting my own flipchart of a bi-lingual ana’s presentation (very badly I have to add I was kinda angry after hours of waiting for someone to assist me, hehe) and a young guy comes in, peers over my shoulder (they love to do that!) and sees the word ‘Baha’u’llah.’ He tries to sound it out.

‘B.A.H.A.U.L.L.A.H. Wow. Beautiful.”

I turn around.

‘Yes. Yes it is.’ Tears swelling in my eyes already...(i'm even more emotional in china for some reason!)

‘Why are you in China…” he asks and then after a pause of reflection, “because of Baha’u’llah?’

‘Yes!’ gob-smacked look on my face.

“Wow. You must really love Baha’u’llah.”

“Yes! Yes I do!” more gob smackedness.

“To have faith is good.”

“Yes. Yes it is.” (I can’t form anymore words than that by now!)

“I would like to learn more.”

“Ok.”

So easy!

So we exchanged numbers, met up a few days ago and he is starting a study circle with me in the coming weeks! Hehe the four hour wait and angry guillotine cutting was worth it!!! People are so interested in you, the fact you are a foreigner they will watch everything you do in great detail. It’s like Haifa in that sense. The whole country seems to be watching the Bahai’s. travelling on the train from Nanjing to Shanghai I found this article in the onboard travel magazine infront of every passenger’s seat pocket. Amazing huh!

I have two girls staying in my flat temporarily from Chengdu, near where the earthquake hit. The older sister was one of my many real estate agents and we got along really well, she moved here to shanghai a year ago. She got really sick and had to go to hospital, lost her job and ran out of money in the space of two weeks, and then finds out her 14 year old sister is working in a shoe factory on the other side of China, hasn’t been to school for over a year, along with other underage children at the factory who are all getting paid a pittance. Shocking, but unfortunately very common here. So she rescues her sister from that life (their father passed away two years ago, and their mother has no contact with them) and so they are with me till Josy (older sis) finds a more stable job and apartment.

Each night we have a little devotional together, its really quite sweet! And I was getting lonely and homesick the week before and now I have two beautiful girls staying with me.

And they are both tiny enough to top and tail on my couch, and still have room leftover!

Speaking of size, it’s so funny. I am like Big Foot in Shanghai. Literally. I can’t find shoes that fit anywhere! And every time I walk into a clothing shore the owner will get really excited and yell at the top of her voice in broken English, ‘LADY LADY LOOKY LOOKY! EXTRA EXTRA LARGE EXTRA EXTRA LARGE!!!

Great. Thanks for reminding me.

And then it still doesn’t fit.

Haha.

I also have had the chance to audition for a lot of different plays going on in Shanghai. Mostly ex-pat driven but its hilarious what happened. I got offered a role in China’s first ever Burlesque/vaudeville musical called ‘Chinatown’. It’s getting big international press, Mac makeup sponsoring it, you would be one of their ‘faces’ for advertising blahblahblah, but I looked more deeper into it and some big questions came up for me. Yes, I could do it and it would be great for my career in someways, but is being a ‘showgirl’ contributing to the upliftment of mankind? Certainly contributing to the upliftment of a can can skirt...

It’s funny I feel like being here, just like in Haifa, all those areas of your life you need to work on are magnified. In this case I faced questions around what is my purpose in my career, and most importantly what are my boundaries as a Baha'i and as an actor, and it really made me think, what roles are there for women actors that are not degrading? or is being a 'show girl' degrading in the first place? Why do women seem to be continually cast and viewed as sexual objects on stage and screen, even now in 2008?

The performing arts have a long way to go till we start reflecting the spirituality of mankind and the equality of men and women, but I feel like I can begin to take baby steps, create my own stuff….so here goes…I wonder what I can create in China??

Ok enough for now. This is just a scraping of what has happened in the last few weeks and what is going on in my mind…further proof of my bubble tea addiction

who would have thought floaties at the bottom of your drink could be so good? ahh i cant find a way to get rid of this underlined thing....excuse me...

making shoes and friends

as of last night i now share my wee apartment with two beautiful chinese friends, its a long story, but basically I met Josy through looking for apartments. She is one of those sparkly, bubbly, vibrant people that you can just feel the positive energy radiating off.
Last week I called to see how she was, and she was in hospital really sick, next thing she had to quit her job, and had to move out of her apartment because she couldn't afford it, had no where to go, then she finds out her 14year old sister has been working in a shoe factory in a neighbouring city from her old neighbour in Chengdu. They lost their father a few years ago, and don't have much contact with their mother...crazy situation. So she went to 'rescue her' two days ago, and now they are both sleeping on my couch (much to my disapointment...they refused my bed! oh well! it is a rock but i guess they'd be used to that!) She told me how her sister told her in detail how to make shoes, with a smile on her face. but then when she explained how their were many other 14year old girls or younger working there, they are supposedly paid 800rmb a month (under $250NZD) but they deduct food and rent allowance as the kids all live and eat at the factory...its just horrific to think that people can get away with this, and that these kids, who dont know any better, but can earn money and perhaps help their families if they are in need....hmmm anyway i am so happy to have people in my home. It will only be temporary until Josy finds a job and can afford an apartment, but at the moment I'm just so glad to have them. And they can cook!! WEEHEEEE fiery sichuan style food too...yummy yummy.
last week i was feeling soooo lonely, even though i know i have people and friends, but just getting bouts of homesickness, now i feel like i have a family. Three girls, all in some way displaced. It's unifying, in a wierd way!

growing pains

sitting at 'costa coffee' on huaihui road near my flat. using their wireless cos i havent had a chance to set mine up yet...so many details to do, so little time..listening to pimsler mandarin in my head phones. trying to learn this language. feeling overwhelmed by how much i have to go, 'wo shaw der boo hao' i speak badly..yes its true..

feeling like im adusting slowly...i have a love hate relationship at the moment with shanghai. i love the organised chaos (at times!), the bikers everywhere, the 20cent soya milk drinks and dumplings on the way to the school shuttle bus, the villagers and their deep smiles as they try to sell me grapes from their hanging baskets, the scraping metal sound from the street stall cooking on her wok outside my window at 11pm at night, the grandad and grandma's doing their tai chi in the park on mass, or carrying their precious grandchilden in their arms rocking them to sleep.

you see such poverty here its heart wrenching. there is a family that lives under the stairs by the metro stop near my school, actually UNDER the stairs, they get inside through a small crack. then there is the two chickens that casually trot around as people walk past in their high heels. the children bathing in tiny blue plastic baths outside. an entire house built out of old mattresses, to form a hut, when smack bang next door is a massive high rise apartment block. country meets city.
the city is moving at a crazy pace. i met some geologists from nz yesterday, they tell me shanghai is sinking, they can tell even walking out of a new metro stop, the water seeping through the cracks...sky scrapers everywhere...what is the rush? why does a city have to prove itself by racing skyward when in the shadows people are homeless and struggling to survive.
every big city has these same problems and contrasts...its just so disgusting at times to see materialism running rampant here, taking over like the worse disease you could think of, eating in the vitals of the human race.

but amongst all the sadness there is this joy, this beauty and simplicity of living. the sense of community is still alive and well even in a city of 30million or so..The mid autumn full moon festival seemed to capture the essence of it. they celebrate it as the moon in its fullness symbolises unity of family, and along huaihui rd, the materialist street of gucci, prada, you name it, held on saturday a gorgeous parade celebrating all the nationalities in shanghai, all parading on floats in their costumes...it was beautiful, and again, that concept of unity and diversity so built into their culture ...makes me smile....

feeling tired. teaching kids is exhausting at times. but im beginning to enjoy it. and my matress is like a rock. thats the way it is in china. sleep on a plank it feels like! im sure its great for my back but just a bit of softness is good...hehe. its all about toughening up over here in someways..and there is that part of me inside that is resisting , that wants to give up because im not seeing 'results' like i thought i would see. i want it all know, study circles, friends, a grasp of the language, how to teach drama to 6 year old kids who see me one hour a week and go wild... its about trust, and prayer...really thats all i have to cling to, everything else is moving at such a rapid speed and seems to transient...
if you are reading this and in haifa, please think of me...and say a wee prayer for me in the Shrines....thank you!!!

moon cakes and mandarin

found a cockroach last night.

welcome to lanehouse life.

oh well.

had a shower and the entire shower head suddenly broke on me! the joys of renting!

but i have a gorgeous landlady who is fixing it today, they took me out for dinner the night before with the family. No one spoke a work of english and my mandarin is appalling, but we had a great time, me acting like a clown using my hands an awful lot to gesture how i was feeling, and making a HUGE mess on the table and laughing about it. I ate what I thought was a green capsicum, turned out to be a massive chilli pepper...eyes watering severly, face red and sweaty, least i made them laugh....They wanted to buy me goose liver and jelly fish soup but i declined...hopefully I haven't offended them....



It's mid autumn festival at the moment too, one of the two most important festivals in China (the other is New Year). This is when the moon is at its fullest. All the teachers were given moon cakes yesterday in a big red box that weighs a tonne.

Moon cakes are small cakey things (wow, what a description) with squishy sweet bean paste inside, and the occasional egg, sometimes jewellary! random, and apparently you can buy some for thousands of dollars to show your wealth when you give it as a gift.
Well, I bought one like this from the corner store for 1.50RMB so if that's saying anything .....



but the beany taste is growing on me. In fact I am eating food i would NEVER eat back in NZ. Like those bubble drinks. They grossed me out, floaties in your tea...now I cant have enough!! Funny how you adapt...but I still can't face the pigs trotters...



It was Teachers Day yesterday in China. We were all given red roses by the principal at assembly! hehe. Very sweet. I still can't believe I am a teacher, and I have a lot of learning to do but its great cos I feel like thats the best place to be, an equal to my students! I am responsible for the 'values of the month' showings at assembly which is basically a three to five minute play from the kids about compassion, or fairness, truthfulness...etc.. so its gonna be a fun year of virtue filled drama. just gotta find interesting ways to make it come alive and not naf and cliched. My mind is running wild with my obsession with shadow puppetry, mask work, short films, you name it...but we have limited resources and budgets...

oh well...where there's a will, there's a way....

the nest...

finally. she finds a home. its a lane house. weeeheee. its clean. weeeheee. its renovated. weehee. and its smack right in the centre of downtown shanghai!
what a transition! from the Shrine to the ultimate urban jungle. But, i'm ready for it!
Here is a sneak peak...

welcome to my staircase...(it has three mini levels)
take your shoes off when you come in, and i'll have some cosy
slippers waiting for you...(its what they do in China!)
i love the random horse in the alcove...i may do a weekly theme...
next week..a dog statue (a fav of mine if u havent already noticed)

excuse the bottles. they are not mine! this is taken from the website i found the place from...my camera's battery is dead and im too lazy to find a place to buy new ones! haha my mandarin is boo hao.
love the whole red and white thing. when i stepped into this place, it felt like an answer to my prayers. a lane house that is CLEAN can you believe it!

the funky bathroom. HAS A BATH TUB!! WOOOHOOOOO

so thats a taste of my new shanghai home...the bedroom loft style! heheee
Feels like i live in playhouse....so excited!
its actually above a shop...its very small, but very cosy....

yah. to my new home in shanghai...a happy space for a happy time
let the study circles begin!!!!

mY fiRst daY at SkoOl

yes. i am now, officially 'miss brader'. i taught my first ever class today. 7year old students from singapore, korea, india, taiwan, and china all in my drama class.
the straight forward responses crack me up
'miss, you a quite beautiful'
wow. thank you. thats very nice of you.
the two girls smile.

i may have trained as an actor, but nothing had prepared me for this.
i had that stereotype in my mind that all kids from asian backgrounds are uber well behaved, and i am sure the majority of them are, but perhaps as i am the newbie, it was time for them to test the ground.
'so, lets break into groups and create freeze statues of different qualities, like respect, helpfulness, co-operation...all the guidelines we talked about for what makes our drama class work well.'
blank stares.
ok, i have never been that clear in communicating but really...
'ok so you can stand up and pratise your freeze frames. you have five minutes to create it and then show the class
blank stares. bums on the floor.
'but i dont want to'
'i dont know how to'
'i dont know what a quality is'
'we dont want to'
'do we have to'
i didnt factor that into my lesson plan....
'umm well, i'm the teacher, and im telling you what to do. remember, qualities are the behaviours and actions that we spoke about at the beginning of the class that help set the standard.' starting to loose it inside...
they continue to sit on the floor, some rolling around and chatting, others bored out of their brains....
ok you have three minutes left...
and then two and one and
well, one group had got its act together (pun not intended) and showed a cute freeze frame of helpfulness (a beggar and lots of people giving him money...hmmmmm i didnt want to dig too deep into that social question...haha)
and yes. the others did what they could.
i felt like the crappest drama teacher in the world. i couldnt even motivate a group of 7 year olds.
but then i let it go. have to be clearer, and simpler, its all good life skills....
then my second class, 8 year olds, and much more onto it, picking up games quickly, quieting each other without me...i was in heaven...
a day of massive contrasts.
overwhelming, nerve wracking and satisfying.
i still cant quite believe i am a teacher, even if it is drama and that is what i know, its not really about the drama, for now its about how to manage a class of kids!!!
small steps.

back from macau. an incredible 5 days of reflection, planning, and very soon....action....
please apartment, come to me...wanting to settle in for real, start up my devotions, and jy groups and study circles...oh yeah..and learn how to be a drama teacher.....

one step at a time
i keep telling myself.